hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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