So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
