The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sext me about skeletons
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
