somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
