There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
