my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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