It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
