Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
