Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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