a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
