He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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