I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
