she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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