i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
