So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
