the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
