When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
