I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
