getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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