I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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