If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
