Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
