My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
