but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
