I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it's like iHOP with fire
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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