hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
