the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
