but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
