If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
