just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
