I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she pinky promised me she was 18
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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