The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
