you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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