i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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