I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
