we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize