Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
