WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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