I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
