I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
