dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
you never un-have a 4some
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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