Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
