Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
