Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
