I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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