Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
