I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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