I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
