She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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