I puked a lego.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
