It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
