I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
