My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
