Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
