Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
