addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
