It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
