Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
