Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
