I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
