Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
